Whuf!

There are two main controls on my motorscooter–the throttle and the brake. I twist the trottle with my right hand to go faster, and squeeze the brake levers to stop. It’s really simple. Except when I’m on Hill Street. 

Hill Street goes up and up with a stop sign just before the top. Sometimes, I climb the hill kind of slow and there are people behind me. Then, I come to the stop sign and let go of the throttle and grab my brakes. 

Now it gets hard. I have to let go of the brakes. But when I do, my motorscoooter starts to roll backwards–towards the car behind me. I don’t want to hit the car, so I grab the throttle and give it a good twist. My scooter has a strong engine so I go shooting over the top of the hill, through the intersection, and over a big pothole in the middle. 

Here is a picture of me bouncing off the pothole. I look startled because I am. I think all the other drivers looked a little startled, too. 

At the top of Hill Street is Center Bank. This is where I cash my checks from the Supermarket. That’s what I did today.

I had parked it next to the curb, and when i came out of Center Bank there was something waiting for me. 

   

Dog: Whuf.
Me: Ummm. Hello?
Dog: Whuf.
Me: What are you doing here?
Dog: Whuf.
Me: Who put you here?
Dog: Whuf.
Me: What’s your name?
Dog: Whuf.

He was small and skinny and kept letting out a low, horsey, bark. 

Dog: Whuf!

I think sombody tied him to my mudgard and abandoned him. That kind of makes me mad. He looked like a very nice dog. 

Me: What am I going to do with you?
Dog: Whuf! Whuf! Whuf!

Riding a motorscooter with a dog isn’t easy. I had to steer and work the trottle and brake with one hand, and hold the dog with the other. I had to turn my face away from the road, too, because he would lick me on the mouth. 

Me: Yuck!
Dog: Whuf!
Me: Oh no, there’s somebody behind me.

I knew this police officer from my visits to the courthouse. His name is Mort, and he likes to say the same thing over and over.

Mort: May I see your license please?
Me: Ok. But I’m sorry officer, I didn’t know it was illegal to carry a dog on a motorscooter.
Mort: May I see your registration please?
Me: Ok. But, I wasn’t going to carry him very far. I just need to get him to our house.
Mort: May I see your proof of insurance please?
Dog: Whuf!
Me: Shhh!
Mort: One of your tail lights is out. You should get that fixed. Goodbye.

As soon as I got home I fed the dog some leftover Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was hungry. What do you think I should call him?

 

 

The Sutures

The Bakers live next door. They have a son named Bebo. Mr. and Mrs. Baker work a lot. I think Bebo is trying to get their attention by starting a band in the garage.

Here is a picture of Bebo and his friends. That’s Bebo on the right.

Bebo: Ok, guys. We need a name for the band.
Hash: Something random. So people think we don’t like the status-quo.
B-Sting: And rebellious. So our parents will think we are heading down the wrong path.
Beeter: And loud so they think we are sustaining premature hearing loss.
Bebo: How about “The Sutures?”

Bebo and his friends have been spending a lot of time in the garage with their instruments. Bebo and Hash both play guitar. That’s Hash on the right.

Hash: It doesn’t look like we are having much success with your parents. All your dad does when he gets home is read engineering manuals, and your mom looks at medical journals.
Bebo: Yeah, they don’t seem to hear our music even though we are playing it at a dangerously high decibel level. But, I’m sure that if they did hear it, they would start to get worried about us and take our instruments away.
Hash: Or do other things to correct our wayward path. I think we need to try something new.
Bebo: What about this? It’s a book of sheet music I found at the library.
Hash: Prelude Number 2 by Johann Sebastian Bach. Hmmm. It doesn’t sound very rebellious.

Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is coming up.

We just got a shipment of Valentine’s Day candy in at the supermarket. There are boxes of candy samplers, alot of choclate truffles in the shape of hearts, and heaps and heaps of Hershey’s Kisses stuffed into bags. Reginald told me put it all onto the shelf.

My manager, Reginald, has been acting a little strangely about the store since the flood. Now, he doesn’t like to put things on the bottom shelf. Unless they are inexpensive things.

Reginald: What are you doing? Don’t put the candy on the bottom shelf. The wrappers will get wet.
Me: The wrappers?
Reginald: Yes, put the candy on the top shelf. We need to make sure all our valuble items are kept safe. And, I want you to take all the Hershey’s Kisses out of the sacks and line them up induvidually on the second to top shelf. Got it?
Me: Ummm. Ok.

Now, the candy is a little hard to reach on the top shelf. Unless you use one of the lawn chairs we sell in isle twelve. But the candy is on isle one, so that would make it difficult.

Here is a picture of me lining up all the Hershey’s Kisses. Doesn’t it look like I want to eat one? I didn’t. We are selling them for five cents each.

This is the first Valentine’s Day where I’ve had somebody send a valentine to. I’m sending one to Lucy.

Here is what I said.

I want you to be my valentine,
if it’s ok with you too, thats very fine.
I hope you enjoyed this little rhyme,
want to come visit me sometime?

New Neighbors

The Bakers just moved in next door–two parents and a son. 

Mr and Mrs Baker must not have liked thier son very much because they named him Bebo. Here is a picture of Bebo. 

This morning I saw Bebo shoveling the sidewalk. 

Me: Hello, Bebo, are your parents home?

Bebo: No, they are working. They aren’t home very much. They work all the time. They made me shovel the sidewalk. 

Me: Oh, how do you like the new house?

Bebo: It’s big. I have it all to myself most of the time. I’m thinking about starting a band in the garage. Something loud so my parents hear it. I have this book called “Teenage Rebellion for Dummies.” It says if I act rebellious my parents might start worrying about me becoming a juvenile delinquent. Then, they might pay more attention to me instead of their jobs. I’ve been thinking about getting my nose pierced, but it sounds painful. 

I think I should try and invite Bebo over to my place sometime. He needs people to hang out with. 

Here is a picture of the Baker family. 

Yeeehaw!

Today, I showed my friend, Lucy, my scooter. 

Lucy: Oh! That’s like the scooter you had in Paris. Is it fast?

Me: It’s fast. It has a 148cc engine, and is fuel injected. 

Lucy: Oh, I love going fast. Do you wear a helmet? I heard that it is dangerous to ride a motorscooter without a helmet because you might hit your head.

Me: Yes, I always wear a helmet. See, here is a big red sticker on my motorscooter. It says, “failure to properly wear a helmet could result in a traumatic brain injury.” 

Lucy: Oh, that wouldn’t be nice. Do you have a second helmet? 

Me: Yes. 

Lucy: THIS IS SO FUN!

Me: DO I KNOW A PUN? YES, BUT I CANT THINK OF ONE NOW.
Lucy: NO, I SAID, “THIS IS SO FUN!”
Me: OH! I KNOW. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Lucy: I DON’T CARE. I JUST WANT TO GO! 
Me: HANG ON!
Lucy: YEEEHAW!
Me: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “WALL-E” YET?
Lucy: UMMM. ISN’T BALI IN INDONESIA? 
Me: THAT ISN’T WHAT I SAID. I SAID . . .

Visit to the Courthouse

 

 

That is a picture of me riding to the courthouse. I put a flag on my scooter, to show people where I was going. I was going to vote.

I know the security guard at the courthouse from the last time I voted. His name is Mort and he watches the metal detector.

Mort: Please take all items out of pockets and put them in the tray.
Me: Does that include my comb? It’s plastic. 
Mort: Please take all items out of pockets and put them in the tray.

I think Mort is bored of his job–he has to keep repeating the same thing over and over all day. 

Me: The weather is very nice outside today. 
Mort: Please take all items out of pockets and put them in the tray.

I wonder what Mort is like when he gets off work? 

After you put the stuff in the tray you walk through the metal detector and your stuff gets shoved through this box (probably testing it for bombs or something).

After that, I voted. There were alot of candidates that I didn’t know. People running for schoolboard and things like that. I didn’t know who to vote for. I hope the ones I voted for were good people. 

 

Reginald

When I came to work today, I found the supermarket flooded with water. It was because of all those storms and the rain. The water was up to the lowest shelf in half of the store and alot of food was soggy.

Reginald is the manager of the supermarket. Reginald tends to get upset when things don’t go well. Here is what the employees saw when we came to work.

We had to wade through the water and fish around for the food containers and put them in a big pile to be taken away. It was a little scary putting my hands into the murky water because I never knew what you would find. It could be a bottle of soap, a can of peas, or a fish that had swum in from the river to eat the food.

Gracie, a worker who usually restocks, tried to pick up a sack of potatoes and got bit by a snapping turtle. We couldn’t find a band aid to put on her finger because they were all under water somewhere.

Here is a picture of me in the boxed cerial isle wondering what was under the green box to my right, and whether it had teeth.

The store smelled very funny. In the juice section (where they have the drink mixes), all the water was blue and red and smelled like grape. Over in the tea section an entire shelf of tea had fallen in and everything smelled herby.

But, cleaning up the mess was the best part of the day compared with Reginald. He didn’t do much to help clean up except this.

Reginald: What! This potato salad expired two weeks ago!

I must sleep very soundly

When I woke up this morning I went into the kitchen to find breakfast and flicked on the light switch.

Light switch: Click.
Me: Hmmm. I need to change that bulb.

So, I got a spare bulb, climbed up on the counter, and screwed in another one.

Light switch: Click
Me: Hmm Hmmm. That’s funny. My bulbs must be bad. I’ll go and ask Pat and Cindy if they have a spare bulb.

So, I walked out the front door. And . . .

You can see me scratching my chin in the picture, but I think I just opened my mouth and stared for a while. There was one big tree down right in front of the door, and another one lying on the power line. There was also lots and lots of sticks and branches in the yard.

Pat and Cindy walked over.

Cindy: That sure was some storm last night because I didn’t sleep a wink and I think the power went out at 2:30 but I can’t tell because all the clocks in our house are digital and when the power went out it was too dark to tell time boy there sure are alot of trees down around here I wonder when the power will come back on?
Pat: Looks like you got some trees down.

Pat doesn’t say as much as Cindy.

I must have slept very soundly, because I didn’t hear the wind, rain, or thunder.

Pat, Cindy, and I spent the whole day cleaning up our yards. I’m glad that tree missed the house, but I’m not glad that it came down–I liked that tree. I think I will plant another one next week.

Here are some pictures of me cleaning up the yard. The one in the middle shows me trying to push a big log that I cut with the chainsaw–I think I should have cut it into smaller pieces.

Here is a picture of the power company fixing the power line. We had our power back on later in the day.

Here is a picture of Pat eating lunch. Doesn’t he look sad just staring at his food? He said he doesn’t like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but that is all Cindy had that didn’t have to be cooked.

A library, a storm, and a friend

We have been getting a lot of rain lately.

Today I went to the library. I usually go to the library to check my email, and to see if they have any new books to check out. They had several new books, one was on natural disasters, with descriptions, statistics, and pictures. I was reading about an earthquake in Alaska, when a voice came over the library intercom.

Library Intercom: The national weather service has issued a tornado warning for our area. Could everyone in the library proceed to the basement, please?

I looked outside, and it was dark. Then, I heard a siren going off outside the library. You know, the kind that you hear at noon, when there is a tornado, or somebody thinks nuclear war is about to happen.

Down in the library basement there were books, computers, desks, library visitors, and librarians.

Librarian: Ok, everyone please remain calm. We have everything perfectly under control. The tornado warning will probably be over in a few minutes. I repeat, everyone please remain calm.

It looked like everybody was already calm. But, when the librarian said “everyone please remain calm,” I wondered if there was something to be not calm about.

Then, some kids rushed down the stairs into the basement.

Kid One: It’s getting real dark out there. I think there’s a tornado coming.
Kid Two: If a tornado touches the library, will the whole building get sucked up into the sky?
Kid Three: No, the library is full of books that weigh a lot.
Man With Hands In His Pockets: This reminds me of the time back in ‘74 when my trailer was hit by an F5 tornado. Picked the trailer right up and carried it five miles away and set it down in the community swimming pool. I was hiding in the well pit when it happened.
Librarian who Slouches All The Time: I don’t think there’s going to be a tornado. I just looked at the weather radar on the internet and it doesn’t look bad.
Lady With Frizzy Hair: Well, I hope there isn’t one. I left my car outside in the parking lot and its full of notes for the book I’m writing. I came to the library to research my book on how to get rid of head lice–I’m writing page 472 right now.
Large Lady in Chair: Are we all going to die?

Then the lights went out. Now, I could just hear voices.

We’re all going to die!
What are we supposed to do if there is a tornado?
I heard that you are supposed to put your head between your knees, hold onto something solid, and count to ten backwards.
I heard that tornadoes sound like freight trains.
I heard they sound like fog horns.
I heard they sound like millions of lost souls crying out in pain.
Nobody knows what a tornado sounds like because everybody who has ever been close to one is dead.
We’re all going to die!

I think some people enjoy making other people scared. Here is a picture of the lady who said we are all going to die. It was dark, but this is what I imagine she would have looked like.

Librarian Who Slouches All The Time: It’s ok, we have light now.

Then a little light went on, it was a lantern and the Librarian was holding it. Guess what happened next?

You know how you can see someone and think you recognize them, but you can’t remember where?

Me: Ummm, do I know you?
Lucy: Oh, Kevin! You were at the wedding in Paris!
Me: Lucy! And you were at the top of Notre Dame!
Lucy: What are you doing here?
Me: I live here.
Lucy: You live at the . . . library?
Me: No, I live in this town.
Lucy: Oh, yes, of course. I live in this town too.
Me: Well . . .
Library Intercom: The National Weather Service has canceled the tornado warning for this area. You may now return to your regular activities at the library.
Lucy: Oh, it looks like the storm is over.
Me: Maybe the rain has stopped. Would you like to come outside and look at my new scooter?

4th of July

That is a picture of me watching the 4th of July fireworks display.

I normally sit out in a field and watch them, but this time I was in front of a building with a lot of other people around. I liked that better because every time the fireworks would go “boom” the boom would bounce off the building and make a swishing sound

Fireworks: Boom!
Building: Swish!
People Around Me: Ooooooh!
Me: Swap!

That last line was me swatting a mosquito. I forgot to bring my bug spray, so today I am itching a lot.